Friday, May 05, 2006

A Dwindling Flame

Once again, a warning. What follows is intensely personal. Maybe I can look back at this and gain some insight.

Lately I have felt a bit like a torch in a windstorm. At times the wind has been low and my flame has burned fairly bright, but then the wind picks up. I try so hard not to let anyone around me know. I try to keep up appearances, putting up a facade until I am alone and can let the false face fall. It can be exhausting work, and I have often found myself so tired at night that I that sleep became elusive. When sleep finally came, I was plagued by dreams that seemed to rob my sleep of restfulness. I have so much to look forward to this summer. I focus on that and wonder why that has not seemed to be enough. My kids will be here for two months. It is time I look forward to the entire year. It is what I hold on to when there seems to be nothing else. Lately ithas barely been enough. I try to be thankful, try to be positive, but then it all seems so pointless. All I can see is that I am 41 years old, I have a job that doesn't pay me a living wage, my social life is virtually non-existant, and I am quickly coming to the conclusion that I have had my one shot at sharing my life and beyond with someone who loves me as much as I love her. My biggest problem is not that I don't want to change. My problem is I just can't seem to figure out a way to change things. I don't know how and I don't know how to change that. Tonight things are particularly bad and that is probably why I sit here writing this. I hope that by getting this out I can somehow make some sense of this, find some way through the haze. Still the wind continues to blow, stronger and faster. The flame is flickering and I am keep praying for the wind to die down.