Sunday, February 07, 2010

Attempting To Put My Mind at Ease

I thought I was done for the evening, but I guess not. I'm not saying that melancholy won out, but I really feel the need to get some things out of my head tonight and this has been a good vehicle for that in the past. Sometimes it helps to just write them down. For what it's worth, this will likely be 'one of THOSE posts'; rather intensely personal at times, but some things that I need to say, even if only for my own benefit. Read on if you like, or not. I think this one is mainly for me.

In a little more than three months, my son will be 18 and, soon after that, my daughter will be 16. That thought does not make me feel old, like it does some parents, but it does make aware of just how quickly time passes. I was only a full-time father until they were 4 1/2 and 2 1/2 respectively, when their mother decided to stay in Sweden and away from me. There is no point rehashing that time, for it is water long under the bridge, as they say. Today has just been one of those days when I realize just how much of their lives I have missed. When my son was first born, the one thing I wanted more than anything was to be a great dad for him and all our kids. I looked forward to helping with homework, taking them camping, sharing in their triumphs and being there to comfort them when life hit the rocky patches. I have done that the best I could, but we have spent only about a year together total in the last 13. They are both becoming adults and while I am very proud of them both, I mourn for the time I was not there; for all that I have missed.

I like to think I have worked hard to be the best dad I could be under the circumstances, but I know there are things I could have done better. I am certain that every parent feels that way, but I tend to feel it keenly because our time together has been so short. I have been able to share some important things with them, and they have had opportunities that they very likely would have missed if they had stayed here, but I have missed them every day we have been apart, and sometimes that becomes a burden that is very heavy to bear. Today has been one of those days the weight has really worn me down. You would think that because I was able to talk to them today would help make that load lighter, but that has not been the case. They will soon both be pursuing their own lives, and I know that our phone conversations will be less frequent as they find their own ways through life. I still wonder to myself what might have been.

Tomorrow the demands of everyday life will take precedence and I will have to move past what I feel this evening as best I can, but the two of them will never be far from my thoughts; just as they never have been for more than 13 years. I keep up my hopes that we will find a way to get them here this summer, and in many ways live for that precious time together. I miss them dearly, and love them both more than I could ever adequately say. I have tried as best I could; I just pray that they know that and can forgive their dad his many shortcomings.

I also find myself wondering what it is I am supposed to be doing with my life. This could simply be early onset mid-life crisis, but I really wonder. As I mentioned in my earlier post, I woke up this morning with a feeling of worthlessness that was almost overwhelming. It seemed to be the direct result of some rather negative dreams that I have since forgotten, but the feeling remained and that was troubling. I think part of it had to do with the fact that I am working a job I moved on from 12 years ago, so I feel like I have regressed rather than moving forward. I am grateful that I do have a job, but I am doing customer service at 45 when I should be well into a career that has never materialized. I had thought I was finally seeing some success when it disappeared in a single morning. It is something that frustrates me and something I have referred to in the past. I find myself wondering what it is I am supposed to be learning from this experience. Since high school, I have been trying to find that one thing that I was best at; that one talent that would be the source of my livelihood or would bring me a sense of fulfillment. It seems, however, that I am more like the proverbial jack-of-all-trades. There are many things I enjoy, but nothing, it seems, that I am good enough at to really say, "See, this is what I do really, really well. This is my talent." I am sure this has been on my mind so much today because of my mood this morning, but it has been there, in the shadowy recesses, for a long time now.

I should probably leave this post at that. There is more floating around my brain, but I hope that getting this out will be enough. This may end up being one of those posts that disappears after I have had some time to re-read it, or I may leave it here for my own reflection later on; time will tell. I have only deleted two or three posts in the past because they were a bit more than I wanted to make readily available to just anyone. We'll see if this one makes that list. In the meantime, if you have made it this far, thanks for listening. I think I will be able to rest my head tonight a bit easier for having shared these words in this way. As I said earlier, sometimes it helps just to get them out. Here's hoping for a restful night.

A Quick One

I really don't have much to write tonight, but I did not want to miss another week, so here I am dutifully typing away.

I had a rough night last night, filled with strange dreams that have thankfully faded away into the obscurity that comes with waking, but they left me with a feeling of worthlessness that was very hard to shake. I'm not sure if my dreams were influenced by our viewing of "Amadeus" last night, but I found myself feeling a bit like Salieri when he wondered why God would put the longing for music into his heart if it was not meant to be. I was feeling like the artist inside of me has been screaming to get out, but somehow never quite making it. Like I said, rough night, rough morning, not so bad this evening. (Now if only tomorrow was not Monday.)

On a completely different note, with the completion of the Super Bowl tonight I will have missed an entire season of football for the first time since I gave up watching football for the sake of marital peace with my ex. I went three years without watching a complete game at one point. Somehow, I have missed it more this time than before. Just another reminder of what a strange trip it has been for the last few months. In just three months, we will have been without television for an entire year. I never would have thought that possible for me, but sometimes life forces you to do what you thought impossible.

I think that's all for tonight. Melancholy seems to want to dominate my writing this evening and I refuse to let it, so I'll just let this suffice.