Friday, April 17, 2009

Insomniac Ramblings

It's a bit after midnight and I find I cannot sleep tonight. Tomorrow it will be four weeks since I lost my job, and I find that I still have not been able to totally let it go. My biggest problem seems to be the sense of betrayal that still creeps up on me at times. I gave much more of myself to that job than I ever realized and I was seemingly tossed aside like so much chaff. I guess when you put so much of yourself into something, it is hard to let it go, but I have to let it go.

I also struggle with the job search. Somewhere in my mind I believed I would be working again by now, but I have not even had an interview yet. I know that jobs are not easily obtained at the moment, but it scares me that so much time has passed and I have not even had anyone want to speak with me. I keep telling myself that there must be a reason for what has happened and that surely something better is in my future. I try to stave off the doubt that insidiously creeps in, but it seems to find its way through more often of late; especially during that time before sleep takes me when my thoughts dance around like leaves caught in the wind. I keep trying, for that is all I can do.

Next weekend my wife and I plan to visit Zion National Park. It is, admittedly, what some would consider a bit of an extravagance in light of my current situation, but we see it as a chance to get step out of our lives for a few days; a chance to recharge in the beauty of nature. It is an opportunity to gather strength to continue on; a chance to rework my perspective, to see things in a new light. It is also an opportunity to shoot photos for a few days and hike until I am so tired that I fall directly into sleep, skipping the swirling thoughts entirely.

I think my whole purpose in writing tonight is to try to clear my thoughts so I can get some sleep. It has to be more productive than simply laying there, even if I am writing to an audience that appears to consist mainly of myself. Does that mean that I would be better off making this entry in a journal, or do I secretly find hope that maybe someone out there will actually read this? Maybe I am just so tired right now that I am just babbling along without making much sense. If that is the case, at least I can delete this later.

I do have to add one thing before I go. I have come to a realization of just how important friends can be. This is mainly because I find myself rather short of friends at the moment. I have not been the most attentive of friends myself. It is something I am not proud of, but it is something I am going to change. This has come about because of the apparent end of a friendship I had developed with someone I worked with. I had thought the friendship strong, but after four weeks of no response to phone calls or e-mail, I think I finally accept the fact that it was not quite what I thought it was. I find myself wondering if I have been like that myself. I know I have to be a better friend in the future.

Anyway, I think it is getting to the point that I should stop or risk becoming overly maudlin. After all, it is getting late even if I cannot sleep.