Heavy Silence

It's been a long time again since I set my thoughts down here. Tonight, once again I feel the need. This evening is strangely quiet for me. For the last six weeks I have been blessed with the company of my children who are usually a world away from me with their mother. Today, the shortest six weeks in my life came to an end as I watched the two most precious souls in my life walk down a ramp to get on an airplane. Thus the silence. For six weeks my life has been full of the sound of my children; sounds of laughter, sounds of happiness, even sounds of sibling contention that I hear so very rarely are once again missing. This summer has been the longest continuous amount of time we have spent together since my ex left nine years ago. I knew our time together would have to come to an end before it ever began but I never dreamed it would pass so quickly. Now I must once again get used to hearing their voices only on the telephone until some time next summer when, for a few brief weeks, the heavy silence will be filled with joyous sounds of life.

From past experience, the next week will be a long one. Tomorrow, at work, the day will last much longer than the clock's passing would indicate. Slowly, the normality I am used to will begin to replace the feeling of loss and missing my kids will once again become the dull ache I deal with daily rather than the bright pang I feel now. Life will go on but I think I have shared enough for tonight.

Spiraling

I know it has been awhile again but I am afraid that I really haven't had much good to say and no one likes someone who seems down all the time. Still, the spiral continues for me for some unexplained reason. The last two months have truly been a trial for me. I find myself surfacing from one bad thing only to be swept under again by the next. I have barely had time to catch my breath between crises it seems. I have longed for someone to confide in, someone to share the burden even a little, but that is not part of my life right now sadly. It hasn't been that way for a very long time.....seems like ages. I do have one friend who doesn't seem to mind when I whine a bit (and is probably one of the only people who actually read this blog), but I worry about it being too much. Like so many others, I find myself longing for that soulmate, the companion of my life, but it is at times like the last two months that I feel that absence so poignantly. I'm not even sure I should be sharing it here, but it is where my life has been so it is what is foremost in my mind. Ultimately it doesn't matter what others think of these poor attempts to purge my soul. They are just as valid as anyone's thoughts and the people I care about and who care about me will understand. I think that is where I will end things tonight. Hopefully the next light at the end of the proverbial tunnel will not be the next runaway train. One can only be knocked down so many times before it gets just too hard to get back up.

Riding the Roller Coaster

It's been ten days since my last post and the accident that prompted it. Those ten days have been an emotional trip worthy of any thrill ride in the country and it still has not pulled into the gate. In that time I have found out that a situation I could have done nothing to prevent (I have replayed the accident through my mind time after time and I KNOW that truck was not coming through the intersection when I began my turn and that the light was red, his headlights were off and there is no way I could have prevented what happened short of being psychic) is costing me a $122 fine, my $500 deductible AND my car has been totalled. The whole situation has stranded me in a kind of limbo because the insurance company is still working the claim and I have no idea what the final outcome will be. My rental car coverage is null and void because it only applies to the period they are repairing my car and my car is not being repaired so no rental. One bright spot is that my car loan should be paid off. Another is that my adjuster said that the location of the damage indicates a minimum of 25% liability with the other driver, whatever that means.

I have never had to go through this before because the only other accident I have been in causing this much damage was while I was parked in a church parking lot during a heavy snow storm. A fellow church member driving a van swung into a parking spot going way too fast and slid right into the front end of my car. She got out of the car in hysterics screaming that I couldn't call the police because they didn't have insurance and that they would take care of it and make it right. Torn between doing what I thought was the moral thing and the legal thing, I went with the moral thing, had compassion on her and let her off. My wife (I was married then) and I had to call them about taking care of the damage for almost a month. Her husband actually accused us of harrassing them. When they finally made arrangements to take care of it, they must have told the body shop to do as cheap a job as possible because the finish started to flake off during that summer. I had compassion on them and kept them from having some serious legal issues to deal with and, in return, rather than being forthright with us, they did as little as they could and only after we made sure they did it. I had forgotten that episode from about 10 years ago until this one happened.

At least the weather has been amazing. This is my favourite kind of weather. The sun is out and warms the air during the day, but the nights cool down and there is a snap in the air that I throroughly enjoy. It has encouraged me (along with other factors I will not go into here) to actually go out and start jogging again. Those who know me know what a feat that is. I hate jogging and it has been years since I did consistantly, but I know I need the exercise and walking just doesn't seem to get the blood pumping so that I feel like I have done anything. I am starting off slowly (no marathons in my immediate future....or even distant future for that matter), but each time I am improving. With the weather so perfect, it is much easier to do. If there were not so much snow (and I had a car), I would be in the mountains hiking, but that is still a few months off. I am sure that there will be at least a snow storm ot two before spring sets in in earnest, but this taste is just what I have needed to make this roller coaster ride more bearable.

Paying For Others Mistakes

Fair warning...this is a bit of a rant on my part. This morning I was driving home and a truck hit the back of my car. It was snowing, the roads were bad, but that is no excuse for what happened. I was behind two other cars turning left when the light changed to yellow and we all began to turn. At that moment, northbound traffic was stopped in the inside lane and no one was coming in the outside lane. As I am turning, a 16-year-old in a big Chevy truck decides to try to get through the light. He darts into the outside lane and speeds up. Now, I was almost through my turn and the light had turned red before he ever hit me, but thanks to Utah laws, I am the one who gets cited for failing to yield. This kid flies out from behind other traffic, runs a red light, is going much too fast for conditions, and I am the one who is at fault simply because I was turning left. It is totally absurd. Now I have to deal with the cost of repairs ($500 deductible), the cost of the citation and the rise in my insurance. The damage to the truck amounted to a flat tire. My car, just a Ford Focus, has the right rear almost completely destroyed. Needless to say, I am more than just a little upset at the injustice of it all. If he had been coming when I started making my turn, I would have stopped, but he wasn't. It's just so wrong. The kid only turned 16 back in October! To make matters worse, I still do not have a job and I have no idea how I am going to pay for all this. I am very frustrated. The only good thing is that my insurance company is moving very quickly and I could have my car back before the weekend if I can figure out how in the world I am going to cover the deductible. When it rains.....

Tentatively Testing The Waters......Again

It has been almost five months since I took the time to write here. I think there has been some kind of subconscious correlation between this blog and being laid off from my job. I'm still unemployed and I have not had a lack of time to share thoughts here; I just haven't taken the time to do it. Now I find myself needing some kind of catharsis, some way of shouting at the universe, if you will, and I decided to write again.

Losing my job was not without a silver lining. For the first time since 1995, I spent Christmas with my kids. They are in Sweden and we usually only get summers together, but I have never been able to make an extra trip. This year I made it. I have also had the time to explore other interests and possible avenues for future employment. I have done some freelance writing for a small weekly paper and that has been both interesting and educational. So things have not been all bad.

But enough is enough and I really find I need to get back in the money-making mode. I'm at the point in my life where I have no real desire to settle for just anything. I have great hopes of finding that perfect job that quickly becomes a career I thoroughly enjoy. I am hoping for something that lets me write. I know that something must be out there for me.

So I am back writing here. Hopefully it will not be five months before I show up here again.