Monday, April 30, 2012

And So It Goes

What can I say? When I decide to drop out for awhile, I really drop out for awhile, even when I really don't mean too be gone for so long. I decided that I would take a bit of a break from the blog experience, but before I knew it that break had become a full blown leave of absence. So here I am more than three months later trying to kick start the writer I have neglected for so long. Yes, I am back. For how long is anyone's guess at this point.

It has been an interesting year so far, and not necessarily in the most positive sense. I have my books for sale on the iBooks site, but only one take so far and he may have done so out of a sense of obligation. I know that these things sometimes take awhile to get going, but I had hoped at least a couple of my Facebook friends would take a chance on the e-book versions. I'll be brutally honest; one of the reasons I took so long to do my Arches book was because I was afraid that this would be the result. I put it out there for all to see, only to be met by an overwhelming wave of indifference. (That's the fragile side of my psyche talking; the side that longs for acceptance and outside validation. It's also the side I tend to keep rather hidden.) I really do not want this to be a complaint fest, but I guess I let my hopes get a little too high (something I always seem to do, even with all the experience I have to teach me not to). The books are still there, and I have begun working on another. I guess in spite of my outward pessimism, my inner optimist struggles on.

While in Zion this month, Merilee and I stopped by the Fatali Gallery in Springdale, right outside the park. I think if I had known what waited for me, I may not have gone in. When I saw the amazing photography there, I suddenly felt rather small. I like to think that I have a talent for photography, but those photos were so beautiful that I found myself feeling alternately awed at what I saw, and disheartened with my own work in comparison. Again, it's that fragile, self-doubting side of my psyche making an appearance. His work left me speechless....and wondering if I should throw in the proverbial towel. I won't, partly because I am just too stubborn to admit defeat, no matter how defeated I may feel sometimes.

OK, that's enough for tonight. Anyone glad I am back? Anyone at all? If not, that's OK. I still write mainly for me, not for an audience.