Friday, May 05, 2006

A Dwindling Flame

Once again, a warning. What follows is intensely personal. Maybe I can look back at this and gain some insight.

Lately I have felt a bit like a torch in a windstorm. At times the wind has been low and my flame has burned fairly bright, but then the wind picks up. I try so hard not to let anyone around me know. I try to keep up appearances, putting up a facade until I am alone and can let the false face fall. It can be exhausting work, and I have often found myself so tired at night that I that sleep became elusive. When sleep finally came, I was plagued by dreams that seemed to rob my sleep of restfulness. I have so much to look forward to this summer. I focus on that and wonder why that has not seemed to be enough. My kids will be here for two months. It is time I look forward to the entire year. It is what I hold on to when there seems to be nothing else. Lately ithas barely been enough. I try to be thankful, try to be positive, but then it all seems so pointless. All I can see is that I am 41 years old, I have a job that doesn't pay me a living wage, my social life is virtually non-existant, and I am quickly coming to the conclusion that I have had my one shot at sharing my life and beyond with someone who loves me as much as I love her. My biggest problem is not that I don't want to change. My problem is I just can't seem to figure out a way to change things. I don't know how and I don't know how to change that. Tonight things are particularly bad and that is probably why I sit here writing this. I hope that by getting this out I can somehow make some sense of this, find some way through the haze. Still the wind continues to blow, stronger and faster. The flame is flickering and I am keep praying for the wind to die down.

1 comment:

Geo said...

Hey, you. I am out here, still your friend. Would you possibly consider meeting with somebody that I see with some regularity? It would mean coming to Provo (and camping out with your friends here if you like--we'd attempt to spoil you if you'd let us) and spending some some cash--say, $80. I would only recommend to you something I felt very strongly about. If you want to talk about it, I'd like to. I know it's a chunk of money that you want for something else, but you are as worth the expenditure as your child support, your gas bill, and your music collection. You need to find a way out of the dark, just as I do. Wanna talk some more? Call me or tell me you'd rather I call you. Love, moi