Sunday, March 26, 2006
The Vagaries of Life
On June 6th, I will have been divorced for nine years. That's two more years than I was married. I have learned to live with the situation, even making it through a long-distance relationship that never matured (though I know now that it was definitely for the best). I have been completely single for two years now. I never thought that I would be where I am at this point in my life. As if I really needed it, tonight I have had to deal with the latest in a long string of disadvantages to being a long-distance dad. My son will be 14 in May. We had been making plans for him and my daughter to come here this summer (they live in Sweden with their mom, hence the 'long-distance') and had even gotten to the point of getting the tickets. Tonight my son decided that he would rather stay in Sweden this summer and do some of the things that the youth in church are doing there. It wasn't an easy decision for him and he was genuinely concerned about hurting my feelings. I tried to make sure he knew that I wasn't disappointed in him and that I love him no matter what. I know this is part of him growing up and I totally leave the decision up to him, but I have the disadvantage of having missed most of his childhood so these times are incredibly precious to me. Now I may have to give one of those up. I am beginning to learn not to look forward to things because this is what seems to happen so often lately. Intellectually, I knew this was coming and I want him to do what will make him happy. Emotionally, this is incredibly hard to deal with. I love my kids and I miss them every single day. Not being able to see him for another year will be very hard for me. I haven't been able to be the dad I wanted to be and I am having a very difficult time accepting that he is reaching the age that I have to begin letting go to what little I have had. 2006 sure has sucked so far. On the positive side, I will still have almost two months with my daughter and that will be wonderful. And there is till the chance that it will be too late to change the tickets and my son will have to come too, but I don't want that if it will make him unhappy. All I can do now is try not to build up expectations and trust that what happens will be for the best.